Bromance

NO GIRLS ALLOWED

I woke up with a smile on my face. “Today’s the day,” I thought to myself.

Between giggles, I wiped the crust from my eyes and threw off the blankets.

“Ok…”

“Towel, clippers, shaving cream, and aftershave (with the mint smell). I got everything”

Queue the music…

{Tiffany’s I Think We’re Alone Now}

I run downstairs to clean up.

It’s picture day baby!!

Still giddy, I go through my process. Trimming my head, before I hop in the shower. Shampoo and conditioner for my beard to make sure he’s ready to shine. I jump out and the vibes continue.

Unphased by the number of times I already hit the replay button, I do it once more, before rubbing in the shaving cream to the beat.

I grab my outfit and hit the road. Feeling fine as wine, I switch the music to something a little more scandalous—90’s and 2000’s R&B, the golden era of sexy.

Ill keep it 100… I must have played Peaches and Cream enough times to earn 112 enough royalties to pay their month’s rent.

I was on cloud nine. Nothing could bring me down.

Why?

Because I was on my way to get pictures taken with the boys.

They say there is a male loneliness epidemic, and some say the cause is male hatred. Claiming that men, especially white men, are hated for being who they are. In fact, I recently had a guy respond to something I wrote on Substack saying as much. Though I never actually said the things that upset him, I wasn’t confused by his statements. He seemed to overgeneralize my post, and accuse me of doing something before understanding what I actually said. And well, overgeneralizations are a narrative tactic that is often used by people who want us to believe the world hates men.

I see statements like “you hate all men,” or “men have it harder and women have it easier,” much more frequently. Sadly, they are often justified by weaponizing religion. Christianity to be specific—I don’t know what Jesus has to do with this, but he is stuck catching strays.

But, let’s slow down for a moment.

I don’t want to make light of the mental health struggles men are facing, because we are. We are struggling to connect with ourselves, and with others. We are struggling to find meaning and purpose in life. We are struggling to find flexibility in our roles out of fear that society will scorn us. This has caused significant depressive and anxiety symptoms, as well as crippling identity crises that leave us being isolated, angry, and confused. Moreover, this isn’t new. We have struggled with this for generations.

And at the same time,

I don’t think it’s male hatred, so much as a response to our actions. In short, a FAFO effect. Let me explain by first speaking to my fellow men.

Guys…

As a unit, we look bad. If we could somehow consolidate all the interactions we’ve had with ourselves and others, since the beginning of time, and like after a football game, sit down and watch the tape… wolf.

And I don’t want to hear any excuses for our poor play. We are failing the people who are relying on us to show up. For example, we are on the same team as the women in our lives and yet, we are out here playing like the goal is to beat them into exhaustion. Putting ourselves and them in losing positions, and then getting upset when the team fumbles. We say we are going to practice the fundamentals, but as soon as the game starts, and adversity strikes, all our practice goes out the damn window. Not only that, but we are out here encouraging poor play from other men. And let’s not kid ourselves, we’ve all been in enough men’s locker rooms to know the bull**** we have been cosigning.

Now fellas, I get it. Some of us might not feel the influence I’m talking about. And in a way, you’re right. There are nuances to this stuff. In fact, my boy was just telling me how before he learned about patriarchy, he didn’t feel any power. However, “[he] could still feel.” Now that’s some real sh*t right there. We do still feel.

Some of us might even feel like the rules are made by the stars who get playing time on Varsity. Not us. We are Black or Brown, or gay, or poor and just trying to make ends meet. We play with broken equipment on Thursdays in front of empty stands. Then ride the pine as the Jeff Bezoses and Elon Musks of the world demand the ball so they can catch touchdowns under the Friday night lights… despite the team losing the game of life by 30. We think, “I wasn’t included in the game plan that created this mess. So why are you trying to include me here?”

Because the truth is…

We are still power adjacent.

We are still on the team. Whether we want to be or not. Sometimes even choosing to defend the oppressors by attacking the oppressed. Including those that look like us. All because of a warm arm placed over our shoulder that fills our heads with the hope that, one day, we will be included. While at the same time, hauntingly reminds us, we are protected when they need us, and left in our pain when they don’t.

What’s worse is even internally there is friction. An incongruence that I know is painful because I get it too. Part of us feels one way, and another part THINKS we should feel another way. Together they go at each other with fiery rage. Or create voids so wide and deep that between the space exists only a chilling isolation. In other words, we are at war with ourselves, and the collateral damage is the people we love.

So how much can we really blame them for creating distance from the lot of us as we struggle to survive in a system we created?

When it comes to the privileged, if you seek empathy, first begin with understanding.

In sum, maybe they don’t hate us. Maybe we f***** around and found out that people want to distance themselves from people who behave and think this way.

But we don’t have to do this.

Let’s start with our relationships with each other.

I’ve found that the strongest male relationships possess the ability to be themselves, show support, and challenge each other to be better people. So, here are three tips you or the men/boys in your life can use to help find and hold healthy relationships with other men.

1. Don’t be a d***.

a. Guys this is important. We all want to have fun, and fun looks different for everybody. We love that diversity. However, there are times when we think we are having fun, and the other person is not. It’s ok to be open to the idea that we messed up. Own it. Apologize. And keep it pushing. Do mistakes make you a bad person? Hell no! Owning them and learning from them make you dope!

i. Ex. “My bad fam, I thought I was being funny, but I think I missed the mark.”

2. Ask for feedback.

a. I have a good friend who I sometimes ask if he thinks I messed something up. If I’m unsure about an interaction, a thought, or a feeling Ill say to him, “yo am I trippin’ on this one?” and I know Ill get an honest response. We call that humility big dog. If you struggle with that, like I do sometimes, that’s ok. But it’s not ok to stay there. Let’s level up and get there. Afterall, relationships can actually grow stronger when we allow this kind of communication.

b. Now this is a two-way street so, GIVE HONEST FEEDBACK. Say what you really think. You don’t have to know everything. In fact, if you aren’t sure about the answer, say something like, “honestly I don’t know man, but something feels off.” Now I know this one is scary for many people, myself included, but it’s necessary. If I genuinely care about this person I gotta shoot them straight because anything else will be disrespectful.

3. Be yourself

a. Aye, there is a reason this one has withstood the test of time. The quickest way to find yourself surrounded by people you don’t vibe with is to pretend to be someone you’re not.

b. Sometimes I get the question, “What if I don’t know who I am?” That’s ok. In fact, I love this place for you. Just keep in mind steps 1 and 2 as you whimsically discover who you are—sometimes by finding out who you aren’t. If you really want to get fancy, reflect on how you felt around your guy friends after the fact. You can do this alone or with someone you trust like an intimate partner or sibling. For example, I like to journal after I get back from hanging with people and just word vomit the first thoughts that come to mind so I don’t overthink it and can go back and look at it.

Honorable Mention: Put yourself out there.

Don’t overthink this one. Ask yourself what you like to do, or things you’re into. Next, see if there are any opportunities to do them. I was just talking to another friend who told me how he will go to different bourbon or football events because he enjoys those things. If you made connections there, dope. If not, the worst thing that happens is you are around something you already enjoy.

That’s it!

Now keep in mind that these are just the basics. Think of this like a 101 class to get you started. But if you can really get good at these 3 things you might increase your chances of finding and maintaining guy friends that you can vibe with.

Lastly, keep in mind 2 things:

One there are a ton of other men also looking for friendship, so remind yourself that you’re not the only one. Two, you’re always allowed to say, no. Not every person may vibe with you, but there are plenty of fish in the sea, brother. Keep it pushing.

{Note: This post is not a substitution for therapy. If you or someone you know is struggling, please seek professional services.}