Another Day
Inside My Mind
The morning birds greet me from outside my window. I don’t know if it’s three, but the message from Mr. Marley is received. How grounding. How necessary to ease my anxiety’s heart as we venture into, another day…
Enhale and…
Pop on my house shoes and a hoodie, so I can drive my mom to work. She’s got some health things that keep her from driving, so we do our best to help her keep hustling. You feel me?
Adapt.
She’s tired of this world’s BS and who can blame the Black girl from west Baltimore for that? Not me. So, I let her speak her peace on the drive over. Meanwhile, I queue some Luther, Never Too Much, help us both smile for a moment. You see it now?
Adapt.
Get changed. Head to the gym to catch these gains. Blessed to be a former athlete so putting together a workout ain’t hard. Walk past my front desk workers,
“What’s up Sarah?”
“Hi, Matt,” she says like always.
Ok, deep breath… Nose, meet grind stone.
Tune out the manosphere messages. Avoid the anti-black apparel.
—no need to tread on me, I didn’t try anything in your small town—
But, whatever, stay locked in kid. Call it a superset.
Biceps and bigotry: 4 sets of 12.
Adapt.
Workout over. Frustrated? Sure, but no time for that. That’s life you feel me? Grab a bite to eat and hustle to work, you got back-to-back clients, so bring your empathy and calm that frustration. Is it valid? Sure. Time to process? No…
Pivot.
Alexa, play Stevie Wonder “As.”
Deep breath. “Your clients ain’t do nothing wrong, it’s all love kid. Remember your practice,” I say to myself.
Adapt.
Ok we good. Let’s grab this food real quick. Line is long, but as they say, luck tends to favor the prepared, and we already planned to be early to work. Time to just chill and.. hold up.. I damn sure don’t know this person. He’s really just gonna keep staring at me like that…
Yo if this motha [it’s all good man], in his blue lives matter tee-shirt [breathe kid, it’s his work] don’t stop looking at me like I’m about to steal something [find your peace], I’mma go full Baltimore Black in this b**** [ease up] and see if he actually feelin’ froggy and wanna leap.
Nah, nah, breathe. No one’s gonna say anything about his shirt, or the daggers he silently stabs me with. Shit like this is normal here. Gotta level up kid, don’t blow up you’ll only make it harder for yourself and other Black people.
Adapt.
Back to the office. Settle in for your clients baby. Let go of frustration. Remember your practice… What’s that quote… “I am not what you think I am, you are what you think I am.” Repeat it.
Again.
Again.
Find your love.
Good, now help your clients find theirs.
God, I love being a therapist.
Quick break. Pop on the news, gotta stay woke.
~30 minutes later~
Ok so basically… Fuck your feelings and them kids with the cancer too. Taxes aren’t for school lunches, but are ok for war crimes. Brown people are the cause of our problems. No criminal records? Doesn’t matter, deport them all anyway. Oh, and believe the white billionaires when they tell us middle classers, “it’s all in the name of getting prices down.”
Ok…
Google prices: Up.
Google public approval: Down.
Google Democrat push back: no results found…
Fuck.
Gotta adapt.
Use your degree to learn. Research what’s going on. What are the other sides saying. Understand their opinion, synthesis it. Create themes to make sure.
Check your work.
Check your work again.
Ask someone else to check your work.
Doesn’t matter if their points are from white supremacists, learning is not agreeing. Baldwin couldn’t beat Buckley without knowing his thoughts, and we’re well past the privilege of not having to indulge their biases.
Adapt.
Breathe. Slow down. Be mindful of findings. Assume good intentions and find what worries people with these beliefs.
Talking head:
“I’m not racist. THEY are dangerous!
It’s not my fault they are too lazy!
Why won’t they just adapt?”
…
Rage
Rage
What to do with all this rage? I can’t sleep with all this.
Let’s meditate.
I settle onto my mat. Legs folded and hands cupped.
Inhale: I am solid
Exhale: I am free
Inhale: I am sick of this s***
Exhale: Maybe I’ll just play their game screw over everyone else. Maybe call that s*** holy too.
Come back…
Inhale: I am solid
Exhale: I am free
Inhale: Why can’t more people show they care this much?
Exhale: Who can blame them, it’s easier to not care. I should just make my money. Only care about me and mine.
Come back…
Inhale: I am solid
Exhale: I am free
Inhale: I can’t, it’s not who I am.
Exhale: I can’t lose myself for the sake of ease.
Come back…
{The sound of the night’s creatures outside my window bring me back. Entranced.}
Inhale: I am solid
Exhale: I am free
Inhale: I am solid
Exhale: I am free
Inhale: I am solid
Exhale: I am free…
It was so good to read . I loved it
I love the way you break the fourth wall to the reader whilst allowing us into your mind. The bit where you showed how you talk yourself down in those moments was beautiful and heartbreaking. I look forward to seeing more of your posts.