What’s up team 7!
My brother asked if I was writing something related to the Jimmy Kimmel news, and frankly, that warmed my heart. Yes, we are adorable, I know.
However, I struggled to figure out how and what to write, and I think it’s because I was approaching it wrong. This one is complicated. It has layers, and I want for people to understand the deeper dynamics. In order to do that, I had to clock back in.
In other words, class is in session.
Quick recap: on 9/17/25 Jimmy Kimmel’s show was postponed indefinitely after he made comments related to the murder of Charlie Kirk. Our FCC chair, Brendan Carr, referred to his comments as “truly sick,” and Nexstar Communications Group, after speaking with Carr, said Kimmel’s comments, “are offensive and insensitive at a critical time in our national political discourse.” After which, they agreed to stop airing his show. Now, was the openly conservative Sinclair family, which owns more than a quarter of our tv broadcasting involved? Who knows. Does this have anything to do with the $6.2 billion deal Nexstar needs FCC approval on? Who can say but…… you know what I mean?
Anyway, like the diligent researcher that I am, I looked into Kimmel’s comments before reacting. When I did this was the worst statement I could find:
“The MAGA Gang (is) desperately trying to characterize this kid who murdered Charlie Kirk as anything other than one of them and doing everything they can to score political points from it… In between the finger-pointing, there was grieving.” (Jimmy Kimmel).
Ok, class now that we are up to speed on the basic details, we got a few paths we can take to understand and deal with this.
The First Path
The Path of Finger Pointing:
Let’s be honest, this is often the most addicting for many people. We explain in elaborate, or simple ways why it’s someone else’s fault, and not ours. Sweet, sweet vindication! We own the other side with our witty quips and sharp tongues. I, like many people, can love it. So, let’s start here and see where it gets us…
{clears throat}
First off, in terms of incendiary statements, this one isn’t hot enough to heat my toast. And not for nothing, but Trump officials, like Nancy Mace, were quick to say it was “The Left’s” fault, and were also ready to use the death penalty, until we learned it was a white man from a MAGA family. At that point they wanted us to pray for him. Now, do we know political motives of the shooter? No. Should it matter? Fuck no. But, because you voted for a President who wants to make us point fingers at each other, now I gotta deal with this shit when I’m supposed to be off the clock.
Speaking of comments I had to deal with off the clock… remember when there were violent White Nationalist protesters, and Trump said they were “very fine people?” How about when he started calling COVID-19 the “China Virus,” and it resulted in a 150% increase in hate crimes against Asian-Americans? Is that “truly sick?” Or when he said we should “BRING BACK THE DEATH PENALTY” for five young boys wrongly convicted of a crime in 1989,” because they “must serve as examples for their crimes?” Oh, and then doubled down on his statements in 2016. Then refused to apologize again in 2019. Did you call these offensive or insensitive at the time?
Secondly, if we want to talk about political violence, y’all on the Right are not gonna like what you see in that mirror. According to a Cato Institute study when we exclude the 9/11 attack, in the last 5 years 54% of political violence comes from the Right wing (Schneider, 2025). 21% from Islamist, and 22% from Left wing. Not enough? Ok, well they also looked back at the numbers since 1975, and it only gets worse from there… 63% of political violence from the Right and wait for it… 10% from the super “radical,” but also somehow soft, cuddly Left. I’d say look it up on our government website, because I’m sure you think my information is fake news, but wait, they removed the study after they realized they were the problem (McFall, 2025).
…
Ok, class how did we do? Everyone who agrees with me feeling better? Everyone who disagrees, if you made it this far, are we any closer to being on the same page? Probably not. Let’s try something else.
The Second Path
The Path of Systems:
For a minute, let me put my therapist hat on (Disclaimer: I’m not your therapist). One reasons this isn’t working is because my attempt to bring us together with research, history, and statements; centered around condescension and blaming. Whether I was right or wrong, by pointing fingers I encouraged people to move further away. One of the hardest parts of being a systems expert is first recognizing, then constantly choosing to work with problems as systemic errors, and not individual ones. Does that mean individuals don’t need to take responsibility for their actions, no. But hear me out.
Let me break if down for you family therapy style. In every family (or relationship) we have what are called feedback loops. Basically, these are the ways families function. The Do’s and the Do Not’s. Things the family will and will not accept. When someone within that family does something outside of the norm (aka the feedback loop), the family tries to rebalance its system. They can do this in a million ways.
Here's an easy example, a daughter of a Christian family, who only accepts Christians, brings home a boy who is not Christian. The family is shocked, and the system is now off balance. In order to balance it, the dad punishes the daughter by not speaking to her at dinner. The other members of the family get in line with dad’s implicit demands, by explicitly stating the rules of the family to the daughter. For example, “how could you do that to your father?” “Do you want to burn in hell?” Feeling shame, the daughter breaks up with her boyfriend to win back her father’s love and ultimately rebalance the system. After which, the dad begins speaking to her again.
Now, what happens if the daughter refuses to break up with the boyfriend? Well, obviously the system can choose to change. It can recognize that allowing deviation from the norm can be healthy and adjust. We love this.
Separately however, it can also double down, by continuing to place repercussions on the individual until they get with the plan. For instance, they might shun her, be passive aggressive, or even cut her out of the family. This manipulation is often typical of unhealthy systems. This is because these systems, which we consider rigid, do not allow for flexibility or deviation. Think about the African Proverb, “the tree that bends, doesn’t break.” Well, these systems refuse to bend, and while they think they are strong, they are actually very weak. They lack the ability to change, and so they often break when faced with change. This results in the system severely suffering.
{hand raises} Dr. Kane, what does this have to do with Jimmy Kimmel being fired?
Wonderful question! We are currently that unhealthy, rigid system.
The beautiful part about being a systems expert is that although we use it most often for therapy, we can actually use it at a macro level to understand everything from companies, communities, and even countries. Our Country is currently operating as a rigid system that is decreasing its tolerance for internal or external exchange. In a family that looks like members not being allowed to leave or bring others into the family. They must think, feel, act and believe the same things as each other (we call that enmeshed). In countries, however, it can look like mass deportation of people they want us to believe are our enemies (sound familiar), exclusion of diversity (another word for deviation), or forced silencing of opinions when a person refuses to comply with the normal feedback loop, like Jimmy Kimmel.
{hand raises} Dr. Kane, that sounds really bad.
Great observation! It is.
In fact, while in therapy we call this enmeshment (with added abusive elements), on a macro scale we call this, fascism. This is often implemented through tyrannical approaches in government because it functions through oppressive rule and policies.
{hand raises} Dr. Kane, that’s scary. Are we f***ed?
Wonderful question! No, and here’s why…
It’s important to remember that you are a part of the system. Let’s go back to the family example… When the dad refused to talk to the daughter at dinner for bringing home a non-Christian boyfriend, what would have happened if a sibling or the mother challenged the father, or the system, instead of the deviation (the daughter’s actions)? The answer is, a lot.
You see, a therapist, such as myself, could turn to another member of the family during an interaction like this and ask them to speak up about how it feels when they see these interactions. Or they may ask the daughter, what it feels like when the other members of the family shame her. By doing this we are challenging the feedback loop of the system by giving space to counter experiences (deviations).
Basically, we are saying, hey, let’s talk because something feels off, and I don’t think what we are doing is helping. This creates opportunity for what we call second order change. Which is the best way to change a system.
{hand raises} Dr. Kane, that sounds great, but what if they just keep doubling down with offensive and incendiary statements? Are we supposed to just keep standing up?
Yes we are, and great question! The technical term for when someone does this is called, Showin’ Your Whole A**. This is when someone, despite having every opportunity to do the right thing, or see the obvious true, refuses to.
Soooo… when you see your fellow citizens being treated unfairly, don’t just point fingers at an individual, with cool one-liners. Not because they are right or wrong. But because it is not as effective. Instead understand the system, point towards it, and challenge it to do better. The more people stand up to a system the more it is forced to change itself. The more we point to something being wrong, the more others can see it.
(Note: If you are struggling with any of the family relationship patterns mentioned in this essay, please seek professional counseling before trying to implement any of the strategies mentioned.)
